Her smile is bright. Lips colored to perfection. Teeth sparkling like porcelain. If all you saw was her smile, you’d believe in her happiness. But if you looked into her eyes, you’d see a sadness so deep.. you would glimpse into her soul.
Somewhere along the line, I lost a part of myself.
Day after day, I searched for it. Never realizing that the unending emptiness I tried so hard to relieve, was because a piece of me was missing.
I kept searching outward. With only an aching feeling of dissatisfaction to lead me.
Days would pass, and no matter what I did, this yearning never completely diminished.
I am broken.
And despite how sad that little sentence sounds, I feel myself at peace with that admission.
It feels like a step forward.
One that leads me closer to whatever it is I lost. I now know that I’ve been looking for it in the wrong place.
Up until this point, my search for fulfillment had been through external means. I depended on others to validate my existence, my self worth. And every time I did this, I was left wondering why such instances only brought fleeting moments of satisfaction.
It never lasted, and it always kept me aching, grasping for that feeling of wholeness once again.
I can’t pinpoint when or how I’ve become this way.
Somehow, without me even knowing it, I was shattered into these scattered fragments. And without ever realizing it, I’ve been piecing myself back together again
I am incomplete.
Acknowledgement is the first step to healing.
More and more I bite my tongue.
I say nothing,
for the words I hold back,
intentionally or not,
will hurt you.
Causing someone pain is against my nature.
I prefer to give gentle touches and lingering warmth.
Yet all I can offer you is this
To save you,
I will carry these burdensome words.
Because the truth hurts
more painful than a voiceless lie.
Or does it?
Even without the finery.
The right clothes, matching shoes, and accessories placed just so..
Is the ability to hold your head up high and still face the world.
[But makeup never hurt.]
“What’s wrong?” I am asked.
I contemplate how to answer that short, not-so-simple question. The split second it takes to process those words, I feel a variety of emotions sweep right through me.
Confusion. Anger. Helplessness.
Each feeling fighting against one another, all trying to gain ground over the warzone that is my soul.
What’s wrong? What’s wrong!?
How can I explain the vortex of emotions eating away at my sanity? That this calm demeanor I put on for the world is just that much closer to crumbling away.
That the breakdown I am so desperately trying to prevent, can happen at any possible moment.
Even right now.
My mouth opens, the truth of my pain on the tip of my tongue..
With a sigh I answer.