Somewhere along the line, I lost a part of myself. Day after day, I searched for it. Never realizing that the unending emptiness I tried so hard to relieve, was because a piece of me was missing. I kept searching outward. With only an aching feeling of dissatisfaction to lead me. Days would pass, and no matter what I did, this yearning never completely diminished. I am broken. And despite how sad that little sentence sounds, I feel myself at peace with that admission. It feels like a step forward. One that leads me closer to whatever it is I lost. I now know that I’ve been looking for it in the wrong place. Up until this point, my search for fulfillment had been through external means. I depended on others to validate my existence, my self worth. And every time I did this, I was left wondering why such instances only brought fleeting moments of satisfaction. It never lasted, and it always kept me aching, grasping for that feeling of wholeness once again. I …
More and more I bite my tongue. I say nothing, for the words I hold back, intentionally or not, will hurt you. Causing someone pain is against my nature. I prefer to give gentle touches and lingering warmth. Yet all I can offer you is this deafening silence. To save you, I will carry these burdensome words. Because the truth hurts more painful than a voiceless lie. Or does it?
Even without the finery. The right clothes, matching shoes, and accessories placed just so.. Is the ability to hold your head up high and still face the world. [But makeup never hurt.]
“What’s wrong?” I am asked. I contemplate how to answer that short, not-so-simple question. The split second it takes to process those words, I feel a variety of emotions sweep right through me. Confusion. Anger. Helplessness. Each feeling fighting against one another, all trying to gain ground over the warzone that is my soul. What’s wrong? What’s wrong!? How can I explain the vortex of emotions eating away at my sanity? That this calm demeanor I put on for the world is just that much closer to crumbling away. That the breakdown I am so desperately trying to prevent, can happen at any possible moment. Even right now. My mouth opens, the truth of my pain on the tip of my tongue.. With a sigh I answer. “Nothing.” Everything.
Disney taught us something impractical. We grew up dreaming of fairy tales. Believing in the idea of a perfect world where good triumphs over evil. That not only does true love exist, but it conquers all. Promises were made about life, about love. But reality fell short. Who will take responsibility for the tears I have shed? When time finally taught me that life is full of grey, and not the black and white of childish lore. Who do I hold accountable for the pieces of my heart? Fragmented in ways only adults could understand. Can I file a lawsuit for false and broken promises? And if I won, would anything compensate for the innocence that was lost? Nothing in the world would.